A visit to my father turned into discovering an impressive stack of gift boxes with my name on most of the tags.

The ones that didn’t have my name on them where blue with black ribbons.

Most of them were full of sweets. Chocolates. Pastries. Bags of coffee.

One even had gourmet cat food in it.

Robert was visibly jealous, and he doesn’t even really eat candy.

Chocolate.

Anyone wasting their time bitching that they’re alone on Valentine’s Day is missing the bright side—which is, of course, being able to buy the chocolate YOU like and not having to share any of it.

the-maltravers-heir-noriel asked: I believe anyone would be more stable than my little ward. As insane as it sounds, I actually ASKED to take him in from his parents. The horrors that boy's psyche has been through... And coffee? The world would be such a grim place were it not for that one addicting drink. Locke thinks it's gross, but oh well, more for me.

You’ve clearly got a more charitable heart than I do, but I’m willing to look past that. Perhaps a meeting can be arranged… I know a few good places…

What’s the point of even having a “cats” tag if most of the content isn’t even really about cats?

deadpenis666:

amherstean:

fuckyeahforensics:

Dead man in mortuary impregnates woman

The Rolling Stones said it best, “You, you make a dead man cum.”  A 38 year old female mortuary worker is being held on $250,000 bond after becoming pregnant by one of her clients-a dead man.  The alleged crime took place at the Mourning Glory Mortuary just outside of Lexington, Missouri.  Police have charged Felicity Marmaduke with desecration of the dead and necrophilia. 

According to a statement made to police by Marmaduke, the alleged victim experienced a post mortem erection while being bathed.  Being alone, Marmaduke straddled the dead man and proceeded have sex with him.  Much to her surprise, the alleged victim came to orgasm after several minutes.  A few weeks later, Marmaduke had a positive pregnancy test while receiving a routine medical exam.  Upon telling her doctor the circumstances leading to the conception, the police were notified.  Marmaduke was arrested without incident at her dilapidated trailer home a few blocks from the mortuary.

In a bizarre twist, Marmaduke plans to sue the dead man’s estate for child support.

*In a side note, this COULD be possible. I’ve heard many stories from reliable sources of men ejaculating after death.*

What the fuck?

That is the funniest thing I’ve heard in the last twenty minutes.

I’m just glad it wasn’t me. There are just certain things you don’t ever want to try living down when you’re facing the rest of eternity in a high-profile family.

(via deadpenis666-deactivated2012040)

the-maltravers-heir-noriel asked: Well if this isn't interesting, we have the same Vivienne Westwood coat (I saw Cris's post about your wardrobe). Measures must be taken to prevent a fashion faux pas if we ever meet again.

Judging from the brief meeting after Christmas and your taste in clothes, you seem a lot more…stable than the little brat you seem to be saddled with.

How do you feel about coffee?

the-maltravers-heir-noriel:

amherstean:

catch-the-ghost:

crisontumblr replied to your photo:Ravenwood House: Noriel Maltravers by…

Ean approves of all that Westwood. And says Locke has no taste.

Noriel said thank you, and he’s glad Ean has such excellent taste.

Locke said… something I can’t repeat here. XD

#Bring it on Princess

My ears are going to bleed from all the profanity he’s currently screaming at you at high volumes. Just a heads up, I don’t even know what half of it means, but I can say for certain that calling him a princess isn’t the best plan of action.

Unless this is your intended reaction. Then bravo good sir. Bravo.

Oh, it was. And it was worth getting glared at by my hostess.